March 19, 2015 acast018 4Comment

I promise this will be my last confession. I’m ashamed to admit my mistakes. I’m not perfect, I’ve hurt people and made mistakes. No more drowning, it’s time to surround myself with happiness and ask for forgiveness.

I moved to a new city in 2005, transferred to a new high school for senior year without friends to talk. At age 17, I wrote a letter because I no longer wanted to live. How I let my young self think this way still bothers me.

Moving to a new city affected my sleep, appetite, and energy. For eight months I ate breakfast alone, pretended to wear hearing aids and took them off while I drove myself to school. I did not want to deal with the bully. I was afraid of my new school finding out about my disability. It was one of the reasons why my family decided to move to a new city and transferred me to a new school. I ate alone in high school wishing someone would invite me to eat lunch with them. Then I drove myself back home and waited until mother and brother arrived home. I cooked for my family hoping they would appreciate the dinner I made them. When they got home, they didn’t bother to ask how my day was because they were tired from the long commute. Whenever they had bad days, most days were bad days….they yelled at me because I was an easy target. At that time, my family was not aware I was experiencing mixed feelings and difficulty coping with loneliness. So to avoid the yell, I shut myself in my room and spoke with no one. My decision to shut myself in the darkness made it worse for me. The less I socialized, the more I thought stupid thoughts and wished to actually kill myself. This is exactly how I let my young self think suicidal thoughts.

I almost killed myself. I’m not going to explain what I was about to do. The point is, I got caught. Till this day, I still believe an angel told brother and mother to get home early because I was very close to taking my own life. Since then, my family started to care and forced me to see a therapist. My family thought that I had a problem. Later they found out they too had a problem. Things between my family and I got better. My suicidal thoughts slowed down but it never went away. I tortured myself for letting my young self think this way.

Rumors spread out and a majority of my family members found out. I felt and lived with shame. This is another reason why I don’t like socializing with my family. Despite getting caught, I continued to judge myself for letting people call me fat, retarded, big mouth, and overwhelmed with emotional pain. I wanted to understand why I must wear hearing aids when I was never born this way. Maybe if I was born with a hearing loss diagnosis, my thoughts would be more positive then negative. Only a person with hearing loss diagnosis can understand my emotional pain but a normal hearing person can never understand my pain. To truly understand what if feels like to live with deaf or hard of hearing diagnosis, you must have hearing loss.

Now that I’m almost 28 years old. I thank my family and my therapist for saving my life. If I could go back and tell my 17 year old self, I would have told her “Alicia you must live, you will attend two colleges, earn a bachelor’s and a master’s degree, work for a federal job, and blog about your success and experiences to motivate people and help them believe in their dreams.”

The person I want to ask for forgiveness is myself. No more suicidal thoughts. I’ve never felt as happy as before. I’ve learned to accept and love myself. I’ve learned to be honest with myself and wear my hearing aids proudly without letting others judge me for who I am. I’ve learned to defend myself and take care of my body. I am unique, have dreams to accomplish, and feel more beautiful than before.

I learned so much about the deaf community, hard of hearing community, cochlear implant community, and normal hearing community. I’ve learned that we all make mistakes but our mistakes only makes us stronger than before if we learn from them.

If you have trouble coping with mixed feelings, just remember and understand that pain is temporary. Accept the hand that reaches out to you and experience the journey that will ultimately become a golden opportunity. Now that I let all my confessions out, I will blog more about opportunities, golden opportunities.

forgiveness

4 thoughts on “Confessions of a 27 year old (HoH) Hard of Hearing Part 5

    1. Thank you Jose for the lovely message. Strength comes after learning from your past mistakes when everyone wants to see you fall apart. You show everyone your true strength after you overcome your fears and weaknesses.

  1. I appreciate your honesty. I have a 10 year old HoH son and I truly want to understand what he goes through emotionally. Your confessions break my heart but also help me to see there is hope, not just for him but for anyone struggling with loneliness and feeling of isolation. Although we all come in different packages, we are all 1 we are all connected. We should all love and embrace each other as we are. I am happy and proud that you have found self love! I will show my son your blog as I know it will help him. Please know that you are heard and loved.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Your son is VERY lucky to have a wonderful mother who loves him and wants to understand him no matter what obstacles he will face. Isolation and loneliness is temporary. True conditional love from a mother is an enterntity love and that’s exactly what he needs. Yes, I finally found self love and it shows every time I wake up. All I can think about is “wow, I can’t wait to make a person smile today.” Today’s my birthday and I wanted to thank you for hearing me and writing love on my blog post. I will soon add another post this coming Sunday. Have a wonderful day Anna and may your son learn to love and embrace his identity too.

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